Around third or fourth grade, many parents begin noticing that their child who once happily played with their classmates begins eating lunch alone. Sometimes birthday party invitations vanish, and making friends suddenly feels much more complicated.
Social interactions and the process of developing relationships become more complex for most children during the pre-teen and middle school years. Friend groups begin forming, humor becomes a bit sarcastic, conversations move quickly, and many social rules are never spoken aloud.
For autistic children, these years can feel especially confusing.
As a parent it’s important to know that being social is a skill set that can be learned. More importantly, these skills can be taught in ways that respect your child’s personality, interests, and communication style.
If you’re concerned about your child’s ability to make and keep friends, consider enrolling your child in ABA therapy. This type of therapy is scientific and is focused on the goal of helping children build meaningful relationships and confidence.
Why Social Skills Change So Much Between Ages 8 and 15
When children are young, they often become friends simply because they enjoy the same toys or activities, but as they get older, friendships begin to rely on much more subtle skills, like being able to:
- Read facial expressions and tone of voice
- Understand jokes and sarcasm
- Take turns during conversations
- Recognize when someone wants to change the subject
- Respect personal space
- Work through disagreements
- Understand unwritten social expectations
These skills are often called social communication skills, and for most children, they continue to develop throughout childhood and adolescence. For autistic children, these seemingly unexpected changes in the rules of friendships and new expectations may not come naturally.
This doesn’t imply that pre-teens and middle-schoolers on the spectrum can’t develop social skills. It simply means that they often benefit from direct teaching, practice, and encouragement.
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that children with autism often benefit from structured instruction that teaches social communication in meaningful, real-life situations. Research also shows that social skills interventions can improve peer interactions and social competence when individualized to the child’s needs.
Why Friendships Can Feel More Difficult
Parents sometimes wonder why their child wants friends but struggles to keep them. There are many possible reasons. Some autistic children may miss subtle social cues or dominate a conversation by talking at length about their favorite interests without realizing others want to talk too.
Some children have difficulty joining conversations that are already in progress or completely misinterpret jokes or sarcasm. This causes them to become anxious about saying the wrong thing.
Other children prefer one close friend instead of a large social circle, especially if they are highly aware that they feel different from classmates.
By middle school, children often begin comparing themselves to peers. Repeated social disappointments can lead to lower confidence, increased anxiety, or avoiding social situations altogether.
This doesn’t mean that your child isn’t interested in friendships. You can help during this confusing time by giving them more support learning how friendships work.
Teaching Social Skills Is Not the Same as Teaching Masking
Parents may hear discussions about “masking” and wonder whether therapy encourages children to hide who they really are.
Masking refers to suppressing natural autistic traits so that a child fits in socially. This might include forcing eye contact, hiding stimming behaviors, pretending to understand conversations, or constantly copying peers despite feeling uncomfortable.
Modern, ethical ABA therapy takes a different approach.
Rather than teaching children to become someone else, quality ABA focuses on helping children build skills that make life easier while respecting who they are.
The goal is not perfection, it’s confidence.
Here’s how a therapist might help a child learn how to improve their social skills:
These skills increase independence without asking a child to give up their personality.
What Modern ABA Looks Like
Today’s ABA programs are highly individualized. Instead of memorizing scripts or practicing artificial conversations, therapists create opportunities to practice social skills during meaningful activities.
8 Social Confidence Goals for Teens with Autism
- Start conversations with classmates.
- Take turns during board games or group activities.
- Recognize facial expressions and body language.
- Ask follow-up questions.
- Solve disagreements respectfully.
- Learn flexible thinking when games don’t go as planned.
- Understand personal boundaries.
- Practice being calm and self-advocacy.
An example of how an ABA therapist might help a child improve their social skills without masking, is by helping them notice that they always change every conversation back to dinosaurs, Minecraft, or trains.
Rather than telling the child to stop talking about favorite interests, they might teach a simple conversation strategy: Share. Ask. Listen.
Share one interesting fact.
Ask the other person a question.
Listen to their answer.
This helps conversations become more balanced while still allowing the child to enjoy talking about subjects they love.
Friendships Grow Best Around Shared Interests
One of the biggest myths is that every child needs a large group of friends. Many autistic children are perfectly happy with one or two close friendships built around shared interests.
Parents can encourage natural friendships by looking for activities that match their child’s strengths.
These might include:
- Robotics clubs
- Art classes
- Coding camps
- Chess
- Music
- Drama
- Animals
- Video game clubs
- STEM programs
When children begin with something they genuinely enjoy, conversation often becomes much easier because everyone already has something in common.
Research consistently finds that shared interests create stronger opportunities for authentic peer relationships than simply placing children in social situations without support.
Social Skills and Technology
Today’s pre-teens spend a great deal of time communicating through technology with text messages, online gaming, group chats, and social media.
There are still rules when communicating through technology. Many autistic children benefit from direct and specific instruction on topics like taking turns during online conversations or recognizing sarcasm in text messages. Your child may also need to learn how to pick up clues that tell them when someone is joking.
More importantly your child needs to know what information should never be shared online and how to identify safe versus unsafe online friendships.
These are valuable life skills that parents, therapists, and schools can, and should, teach together.
How Parents Can Help at Home
Parents don’t need to become social skills experts overnight. Small moments throughout the week provide wonderful opportunities for practice.
Think about pausing during a television show to ask, “How do you think that character feels?” You can also practice greeting relatives before family gatherings and role playing how to take turns in a board game.
Most importantly, continue talking with your child about friendships without making them feel broken.
Every Child Connects Differently
There is no single “right” way to be social. Some children enjoy large groups. Others prefer one trusted friend.
Some love talking. Others communicate through shared activities more than words.
Success should never be measured by how closely a child resembles everyone else.
True connections and friendships happen when a teen feels confident enough to build relationships in ways that are meaningful to them.
At ABA Connections, we believe every child deserves the opportunity to develop friendships while remaining authentically themselves. Through individualized ABA therapy, collaboration with families, and real-world practice, children can build the communication and social skills that help them thrive at school, at home, and throughout their lives.
When we stop trying to teach children to be “normal” and instead help them become confident in who they are, we create the foundation for friendships that are genuine, lasting, and built on mutual understanding.